“Time is a thief I would rob”
Time is a funny thing – some days you pray it would go faster and others you wish it would stop. It is amazing how quickly minutes and days lead to months and years – and even decades. Each one passing whether you are ready for them or not. They begin and end regardless of whether you truly live them or not.
As I approach 32 I am constantly reminded of how quickly time has flown. It’s been nearly a decade since I made the solo move to Nashville. Three years since graduating college. Nearly 21 years since my dad passed away. Thirteen since I graduated high school. Over 17 years since I fell in teenage lust with BSB. Okay, you get the picture.
I know many will say (and have said) that I am still a “kid” and maybe they are right, but we all have those moments in our lives that age us or make us grow up faster – I haven’t felt like a “kid” since 1991. Sure, there are days when I still feel like that wide-eyed 18-year-old set to make her mark on the world and then there are days where I feel like I am 80 and ready for a condo in Florida.
One thing that is constantly on my mind is my curiosity as to where the time went and whether or not I live it as much as I could have?
I am a person that lives in constant fear – I am scared of snakes, flying, small spaces, elevators, broken hearts, death, flocks of birds, abnormally large birds, failure, nuclear war, seeing people suffer, my own reflection, darkness, silence, loud noises at night, bugs that fly in my face, spider webs (not usually spiders), pain, clowns, deer frolicking on the side of the road, bears walking down the road, nightmares, ghosts and zombies in movies, Mr. Rogers, undercooked chicken … you get the idea.
But what scares me the most is the unknown. I don’t mean the where does the universe end unknown, but the where is my life going unknown. The will I ever be a mother unknown. The will I ever not hate what I see when I look in the mirror unknown. The who is Mr. Right unknown. The will I ever master walking without tripping unknown. The will I ever be 100% happy unknown. The list goes on and on and on.
In recent years I’ve realized that I’ve let my fears dictate my choices. Sure I took some chances – moving to Nashville solo. But I even played that safe by transferring jobs and just keeping on doing what I was doing before. Go to work, be lazy at home, sleep, go to work, be lazy and on and on. It’s scary how easy it was for me to just do the same thing, even though I moved to escape that.
Routine is easy. More importantly, routine is safe.
Every single year I make a New Year’s Resolution to do something to step outside my comfort zone. Every freaking year. Want to know how many times I did? Once. And it brought me to Nashville, which would eventually be the catalyst I needed.
This year needs to be different. It is halfway over, but there’s no better time than now to start.
On one hand this year has been different – for the first time in my life, I have a job I enjoy for a company I love and believe in. I have someone in my life that cares about me – even when I am not the nicest person. I have a mostly positive outlook. I’ve also taken steps to take control of my health and my finances. But, at 32, I have to stop being scared of my own shadow and face the things I fear the most.
I’ve made two seemingly small goals and commitments recently that I hope will take me in the right direction – I applied to grad school and signed up for a group fitness class.
I am putting myself out there and pushing myself at the same time … and it scares the shit out of me.